Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Chuck Norris Jokes

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

When you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's beef.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris can punch a cyclops between its eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups, he does world-downs.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have to live.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

MC Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norrised.

Prisons don't keep society safe from criminals, they keep criminals safe from Chuck Norris.

Voldemort can't die because Chuck Norris is his horcrux.

Santa delivers presents because Chuck Norris goes north for Christmas.

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

Chuck Norris can light ants on fire with a magnifiing glass, at night.

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

Chuck Norris doesn't play hide and seek, he plays hide and pray I don't find you.

Chuck Norris once shot someone, with a knife.

Chuck Norris can punch you so hard your blood will bleed.

Chuck Norris threw his first paper airplane when he was 4; it just landed yesterday.

The devil once sold his soul to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is why Osama Bin Laden is hiding.

Osama Bin Laden once feared Chuck Norris was after him so he changed his name to Waldo.

Chuck Norris tried to shave his beard and the razor broke.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris received his driver's licence at the age of 16 seconds.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you do.

The first man on the moon wasn't Neil Armstrong, it was Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's birthday is February 30th.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

Chuck Norris can draw a four-sided triangle.

The only reason Justin Bieber is still alive is because Chuck Norris doesn't hit girls.

Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris.

Twitter follows Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why the dinosaurs are extinct.

At age 5, Chuck Norris's mother gave him a toy shovel; he then gave the world the grand canyon. 

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Tornadoes have Chuck Norris warnings.

Chuck Norris can eat soup with chopsticks.

Chuck Norris once peed in the gas tank of a semi-truck. That semi-truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had two missing calls from Chuck Norris.

Who would win a fight between a jedi and a ninja? The answer should be obvious by now. The only possible winner between a jedi and a ninja is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris played in Star Wars...he was the force.

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