Monday, January 19, 2015

DrogeMiester's Top 10 WORST Movies of 2014

Now that I have posted my Top 10 BEST Movies of 2014 list, its now time to go the other way and give you my list of top 10 worst movies of 2014. Once again, I have not seen every movie this year, especially certain ones that looked so bad that I didn't consider them worth my time, like that awful string of horror movies that came out. But I have seen enough that I feel comfortable with the picks I have and I'm usually pretty good with giving all sorts of movies a chance. First off, there have been many times where I have gone into a movie thinking that I would hate it, but didn't think it was that bad. Second, sometimes it's fun to go into a bad movie so that I can have fun ripping it apart in a review. So yeah, while I did see plenty of great movies this year, I also saw a whole bunch of stinkers. It's also worth noting that this isn't a list of most disappointing movies. That's a completely different category. These movies are just plain out terrible movies. While I did enjoy revealing my list of favorite movies, this list is even more fun to reveal because sometimes I just enjoy venting about terrible movies. So with that in mind, let's jump right in!

10- The Other Woman

Holy cow! What a hypocritical pile of garbage this movie was. This movie was trying to be a movie that empowers women, but they totally failed at that because not only does this make men look complete trash (I mean, seriously, what man out there actually cheats on his wife with 5+ different girls at the same time? C'mon!), but they made women look terrible, too. I mean, you're going to try to make a movie that empowers women, but you shove every terrible woman stereotype out there your own movie? Kate Upton's character is the only example I need to prove my point. Just go watch the trailer and you'll know what I mean. They send contradictory messages here and it just doesn't make sense. On top of that, this is supposed to be a comedy. If you want to make a successful comedy, it's important that you actually make people laugh. I did not laugh once in this movie. It was not funny. It was just terrible. And please, someone needs to do something about this Cameron Diaz woman. I remember a time when I considered her a good actress. But everything she's done recently has been complete crap. What happened?

9- I, Frankenstein

Now here's a movie that was absolutely hilarious! I was cracking up almost the entire film! The issue here is that it wasn't supposed to be a comedy. They were trying to make a good movie that many would find quite enjoyable. But they must've been plain out stoned when they wrote this script because nothing made sense at all. I mean, you have Frankenstein's monster as the star of this and they turn him into a sexy stud with all kinds of super insane martial arts skills? What? And they decide to name him Adam? Oh man, that's my name. My name did not fit this character at all. But then he gets caught in this convoluted, weird plot where he is stuck right in the middle of this this war between Gargoyles vs. Demons? What? Why? My goodness! Sad thing is that there were great actors in this movie. I felt embarrassed for them. Nothing about this made any sense at all. The only reason I don't have this lower is because it isn't unwatchably bad. In fact, if you're in the mood to watch a horrible movie where you can sit with your friends and make fun of it Mystery Science Theater 3000 style, then this is actually a good candidate. But still. It belongs on this list.

8- Pompeii 

Ever been in a movie where the characters were so bad, the acting was so terrible, and the story was so poorly written that you were actually happy when the movie was interrupted mid-scene by this massive volcano that destroyed the whole city, because it meant you didn't have to be tortured anymore by this travesty of a movie? Yeah, that's a bad thing. But that's Pompeii. Which is disappointing because if you make a movie about a terrible tragedy like this, it actually has the potential to be a super epic, emotionally-charged movie if you have a great story with great acting to go along with it. But this movie is terrible. I hated the characters. I hated the acting. I hated the story. I hated the script. There was nothing good about this. And yes, I cheered when they all got killed by the volcano. Good riddance! There was actually one good character in this movie. That's Mr. Eko from the TV show LOST. Yes, the actor has a name, but it's extremely long, so I just refer to him as Mr. Eko. If everyone would've been as cool as him, maybe this would've been a good movie. But alas, one good character does not save a whole movie that is full of complete crap.

7- Transformers: Age of Extinction

I'm actually surprised that this movie ended up at this point of this list. It was so bad that I was certain it was going to be towards the top, but ultimately I found six movies that I hated more, which is saying a lot about the quality of the movies that ended up on this list. No I'm not a Transformers hater. I will actually admit that I liked the first Transformers. The second one isn't very good at all, but it wasn't a horrible movie. And third one was indeed a step above the second. Going into this fourth installment, I actually had a bit of hope because it had a new cast of talented actors and promised us dinobots. That actually sounded like it could be cool. But my goodness, was this movie boring. All the good actors in the movie were as terrible. It's as if Michael Bay asked them all to pull off the worst performances of their career. I especially feel bad for Nicola Peltz, who many will now see as the young blonde skank from Transformers 4, when she's actually a good young actress. Just go watch the first season of Bates Motel. Also the story was the thinnest story of all the Transformers movies. It was pretty much just three hours of explosions with endless product placement. The dinobots weren't even hardly in the movie, which was disappointing. They were thrown in there as an after thought. There came a point where I felt the movie was about to end, so I looked at the time on my phone and there was an HOUR left in the movie still. Ouch! But yet for some reason this movie was the biggest movie of the year when you look at the worldwide box office, which means you know Transformers 5 is coming. Yipee!!

6- Vampire Academy

Hey look, I'm your best friend. Since we're both vampires, I'm going to let you pull down my shirt just a bit and awkwardly let you bite my shoulder/neck area so you can suck my blood, because you really need it to stay healthy and that's what friends do, right? Oh my goodness, if that wasn't the weirdest and most awkward scene of the year, then I don't know what was. Oh wait, yes I do. At the end of this movie, there are the most terrible action scenes that I have seen in a movie. I swear, when someone punched someone else, that person (or vampire) went floating, almost in slow motion, for like 20 feet. What? Also, between the awkward blood-sucking at the beginning and the horrid action scenes at the end, was a movie that was pretty much like following a couple of teenage girls as they spend time in high school. This was Vampire High School, or Vampire Academy, but pretty much the same thing. I mean, who in their right mind would want to watch a movie like this? And this was based on a book series? For the love of everything that is good, I really hope these books are better than this movie, because it's a sad day if they aren't. I also hope that this is the movie that kills the Vampire craze that Twilight made so popular.

5- America: Imagine the World Without Her

I usually don't include documentaries on my best or worst movies of the year lists, but this man named Dinesh D'Souza is a special kind of stupid, so he really deserved a place on this list. D'Souza is the man that did 2016: Obama's America, which in mind is one of the most laughable documentaries made. That should've been a red flag. But no, I was actually intrigued by this subtitle. What if the United States lost the Revolutionary War? What if the South actually won the Civil War and split our country? What if Hitler and Germany won World War II? These are interesting alternate realities that I was hoping the movie was going to dive into and thus take things full circle by making me happy about my country and happy that things worked out like they did. Too bad this isn't what this documentary is about. Turns out that this is just D'Souza tooting his own horn for how right he was with his predictions in 2016: Obama's America. What?!?! No, your predictions were way off. But he wasn't done there. He then spent a ton of time justifying all the dark parts of our history like slavery and our treatment of the Native Americans, which felt extremely racist, to prove to us how great everything in our past was. All this to show a contrast of how terrible our current state is and how our country is doomed with evil people like Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton, who he pretty much treated like the spawn of Satan. I'm not a fan of either of those people. In fact, I usually consider myself republican. But like I said, Dinesh D'Souza is a special kind of stupid.

4- If I Stay

I'm not usually into teenage romance movies. In fact, I usually skip all the sappy chick flicks that come out. This one I gave a shot because it actually sounded like an interesting premise. Girl gets in a car crash where her parents and brother get killed, and she is in critical condition in the hospital. However, she has an out of body experience where her ghost or spirit is there and she has to make the decision of if she wants to stay and live life despite what has happened to her family or move on to the next life with her family. That sounded interesting. Too bad that that wasn't what this movie was about. I would say about 90 percent of this film is in fact told in flashbacks and is instead a teen romance flick about this girl and her boyfriend. Out of all the romance movies I've watched, I've never seen a romance that was so poorly done. Usually I don't like chick flicks because they are so cliche and predictable. But that's not the problem here. There is absolutely no chemistry in this movie between Chloe Grace Moretz and her boy Jamie Blackley. Everything is so forced and so poorly written that I was begging the movie to stop with these flashbacks and focus on the current situation, but they didn't. It came to the point where the movie theater started to feel like a prison because I wanted to get my review out and I don't feel good writing a review about a movie that I left early. But even when they did go to the hospital scenes, they actually made no sense. For some reason, she was confined to the laws of physics as a ghost and in the end, I really have no idea if she had any say in what happened. When the movie finally ended, I literally felt like I had just been released from prison. It felt great to get out of that theater.

3- The Legend of Hercules 

Let's make one thing really clear before we begin here. This is NOT Dwayne Johnson's Hercules movie that was released in July. That movie I actually enjoyed in a guilty pleasure sort of way because it wasn't that great of a movie. But it was a lot of fun. This movie is another Hercules movie that came out in January. Yes, we had two of them this year. This was actually the first 2014 movie that I reviewed on my blog and man did we start the year off bad. For a while there I thought that perhaps the first movie I saw was going to be the worst and I was almost right. First off, the CGI in this movie is perhaps the worst CGI I've ever seen. It really didn't look finished. In fact, it was so bad that for a moment I thought I was in an animated movie. I kid you not on that one. Then we have our story. Was there one? Hardly. And if there was, it certainly had nothing to do with Hercules or any sort of related mythology. There were action scenes in this movie. They copied the 300 style of action where it went into slow motion every time someone attacked. But it was terrible. All the characters were poorly written and poorly acted, especially Hercules and his girlfriend, who were played by Kellan Lutz and Gaia Weiss. Both were extremely good looking, which is why I think they were cast. In fact, for much of the movie I felt I was watching a photo shoot. No. Just no. The Razzies nominated this movie for worst screen combo. No it wasn't Kellan Lutz and Gaia Weiss. It was "Kellan Lutz & Either His Abs, His Pecs or His Glutes." I laughed so hard when I read that.

2- Left Behind

They got the name of this movie wrong. It should've been titled Nicolas Cage Lands a Plane During the Rapture because that's what this movie is about. It's really weird when the rapture happens because all the "righteous" people just disappear, leaving all their clothes behind as if they went to heaven naked. I really hope they were given a robe when they made it to the pearly gates, because that would be a bit awkward otherwise. I actually do spend a lot of time defending Nicolas Cage. The man does have some good acting skills and he does have some good movies out. In fact, there's this movie called Joe that he did that came out this year. I've not seen it, but I hear it's really good. But for crying out loud, I have zero defense for the man when he does stuff like this. Honestly, I think that if this movie was made by a bunch of anti-Christians that were trying to make Christianity and the idea of the rapture look completely stupid, I think they would've done a good job. But the problem was this was made by Christians who were trying to promote the principles in this movie. I mean, I consider myself a Christian, so I'm definitely not just hating on a Christian movie, but this is just bad. All the Christians look and act like complete idiots whereas all the non-Christians are the decent actors who actually have decent logical points. But yet they are the ones that are "left behind." Not to mention that the movie is actually quite offensive when you analyze all the characters that are left behind. This movie is actually based on a book that was also turned into a movie 10+ years ago by Kirk Cameron. I had a friend challenge me to watch both and determine which one is worse. I'm sorry, I have to go back on my word on that because after watching this recent Left Behind, I'm not touching that older one with a 39 1/2 foot pole, because the reviews are equally as bad. I mean, would you rather have your arm bitten off by a crocodile or an alligator?

1- Noah

Congratulations Noah, you have earned the honor of being my worst movie of 2014. This wasn't a complete runaway, though. It was until I subjected myself to the previously mentioned Left Behind. I actually debated quite a bit between the two before deciding on this one. Also, I'm pretty sure that Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas would be a contender for this as well. I just had no way to watch that movie. It didn't expand wide enough. But why did Noah earn this spot? Many reasons. Before I jump into those, I want to make this 100 percent clear that I didn't expect this to be the story of Noah as told in the Bible. I knew long before this movie came out that they were planning on something very different. Yes, that made me nervous. But then the trailer came out and it actually led me to believe that this could be a good movie, despite the changes. But no, this wasn't. First, this movie is blasphemous to anyone that considers themselves a Christian. I'm not going turn this into a religious debate, but just trust me on that one. Second, even if you ignore the fact that the movie is blasphemous, this is extremely political. It preaches environmentalism in your face so loudly that it completely takes you out of the movie. I hate it when a movie does that. Third, even if we ignore the blasphemy and the political preaching, this movie is just weird, dark, and depressing. There were about two minutes where the movie entertained me. Outside that, I was just wondering what in the heck was happening. This movie does have good acting in it. I don't blame Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Emma Watson, Logan Lerman, or Anthony Hopkins for this. It wasn't their fault. It was all on director/writer Darren Aronofsky. He just lost all respect from me and is going to have to come up with something dang good for me to ever trust him as a director again.

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